She’s invited you over for dinner, spoke highly of you as one of his “cool friends” and allowed you to spend quality time with their family. Your homie’s wife thinks you’re the type of friend her spouse needs in his life. You and your mans have been tight since the third grade, you were the best man in his wedding and play pickup together every week. You’re his ride or die and ultimately trusts you more than most.
As good of a guy that your homie is, he cheats on his wife once in a while. Every time y’all go out, you’re faced with the dilemma of playing wing man or the bird on his left shoulder saying “chill out remember your Mrs. at home.” In your heart you want to say something because you know it ain’t cool. But that’s your guy, and at the end of the day, it’s not your life.
“It isn’t my place to say something.”
“That’s that man’s choice. I ain’t got nothing to do with that.”
“He know what he doing.”
“She probably doing the same thing.”
All common responses I hear when the other friend speaks about their guy who behaves egregiously. It’s not just cheating, there are hundreds of questionable behaviors that brothers overlook in the name of brotherhood. Your homie could be the worst daddy ever, verbally or physically abuse his lady and every other thing, but some men won’t speak up. Guy code is almost as strict as the “no snitching” code in the streets. You might ask, but you damn sure don’t tell.
I asked a group of Black men about why brothers don’t speak up when they see their brother veering off the path. Here’s what they had to say.
Glenn Crawford, 30, St. Louis MO
If the men in your circle don’t hold you accountable for your actions then you need to find a new circle. I say things to guys every now and then, but I don’t often because I see “A LOT” of wrong doing. When I speak on it a couple of times and my words go in one ear and out of the other I just save my breath.
Sometimes people think things that aren’t even true. For instance, I’ll be having a casual conversation with a young woman at work and some of the older men will come over and start dropping hints about my wife. It’s nice to know they care about my marriage, but I’m not flirting or engaging in any forbidden acts with this woman, just conversation.
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