Voices

THE GOOD GIRL DIARY

Melanie Moffett

By Melanie Moffett:

 

 

I think I have finally figured out my love life: I have dated all of the guys that I THOUGHT were the good guys, and now that I see that all men are the same, I have no discretion on who breaks my heart.  I just want the person there… Wow.

It’s hard being the goodie two shoe, church going girl, and having everyone look at you like you’re a saint, when the reality of it is, you are sneaking boys in to eat your pussy just like the rest of the girls in high school.  I looked at my life when I was younger and I just KNEW I was gonna have it made: a degree by 22, married to a professional by 25, one child by the time I was 27, and a home in at least a state or two.  Instead, I have no man, college debt, a dog, and an eviction notice on my door…  How the fuck did I get to this point?

Why didn’t love decide to sweep me off my feet like the rest of the girls that were actually fucking in high school and giving up their virtue prematurely?  Didn’t the Bible say something about saving it for a husband??  My husband must have settled for a bitch that was giving hers up a little quicker than mine!  His ass hasn’t shown his face, yet!  Maybe he got tired of waiting… Hell, I stopped waiting in college… Maybe I overlooked him because I was too busy looking at all of the men my momma was shoving in her face that she said, “God told her” was the one for me.  I liked the rough, street type.  You know, the kind that’s destined to show up at your house on a bicycle, house arrest bracelet in tow, with a pocket full of weed and boxers full of dick.  The kinda man that will sell you all the dreams of you all building a foundation together, (cuz thugs know how to live inside of your head and make you think that the fantasy is your reality) when really yall sitting on his momma couch, daydreaming before you go back to work and he goes back to “hustling”.  The kinda man that can pick you up and fuck you against the wall and then demand a sandwich, and like a dumbass, you do it because you are dickmatized. The kinda man with several baby mommas and a million kids that can somehow make you believe that YOU are actually the one he is going to settle down with.  As much as my family despised that kinda man, that’s what I secretly fantasized about.  That’s the kinda man that I would dog out in public, but then sweet talk on the phone at night as we masturbated because I was “saving it for the one.” But as I dogged them out, I was being dogged out by the “perfect” guy, because eventually, once he got all of the money and fame or recognition that we worked on together, a white girl came walking by and I was out like Judy on Family Matters.  So here I am, single and sexually frustrated;this shit is getting to be a little old (much like my ovaries.)  I mean, dammit!  I’ve waited so long, the list I originally had is damn near impossible.  At this age, I will NEVER find a man with no kids… and we won’t even get on sex drive- or SEX PARK as I like to call it, and not because it’s a picnic, I’ll tell ya that…

But what’s wrong with just wanting to have someone to have your back? Someone to laugh at your jokes and know when and when not to take you seriously?  What’s wrong with wanting to feel safe around a man, and not have to worry about coming home to him fucking his “frat” brother in your $80 Egyptian cotton sheets… What’s wrong with wanting a man that you can grow together with versus a man that wants to throw his money and accomplishments in your face?  What if a thug was what I was destined to be with?  What if the both of us needed to go through the bullshit that we’ve faced in our lives thus far in order for us to be able to handle each other at this point??  I asked myself these questions as I stretched and realized the man I woke up to this morning was a friend from church that just got out of jail… and lets just say, the activity that took place a few hours ago (based on how my back and thighs feel) was not apart of the prison ministry…

 

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